Hi Aunt Vadge,
So, I would like to ask a question before I decide any further decisions. I am super scared and stressed about it. And I have had a look around your page and the information is always informative and helps me a lot when I have questions, but I don’t want to ask other people.
Recently I found that I have small circular cuts that had formed around my clitoris. And from my understanding those are called “fissures”. I noticed I had them when I started my period. I now realize I got them after having intercourse again for the first time in 4 years with my current boyfriend.
We had spent two weeks of vacation together, and we tried to have sex at least 5-6 times. Three times out of all those times have been successful. Each successful time I was basically on top.
After our vacation, I noticed that I had little bumps on the right lip of my vagina. I wasn’t sure if it was the usual acne bumps [shaving rash] that come rarely. But I didn’t worry much about them until the next night after I noticed them forming even more. They also turned into fissures. I’m starting to get scared because I don’t want them to get infected.
I also have a prosthetic and my amputation is above the knee. I’m not sure if that played a role in causing them. But I’m still concerned. It’s gotten to the point where it’s become uncomfortable and I have been more clean-freakish than usual. I was wondering if there is any medicine or natural remedies that can help with the healing process of this because as of now, I am desperate for anything.
Your article on fissures has been really helpful. I’m just trying to speed up the process. I know I should have patience considering they are probably irritated and I just got off my period yesterday. Is it possible for fissures to spread if the skin is too irritated? But I just wanted some more tips just in case. I know I have to wait and let them heal. But I was seeing if there are any medicines I could take or apply to them. It would mean so much to me if you guys could give me further tips. I’m desperate and I don’t want to worry my boyfriend of my mom.
1. So found out that the ‘acne’ I thought I had which was appearing outside the vaginal lips was actual very extreme razor bumps. I figured this out when I remembered I shaved last Friday. (I thought that would help the fissures heal faster. But I immediately regret that decision!) I’ve been compressing it with heat and putting aloe vera on it. Which has been clearing it up fairly quickly!
2. They are just round circles that are on the surface membrane of my clit and inner insides of my lips. It’s more so like a split which made me believe they were vaginal fissures. (I Google searched it and everything matched how mines looked. And showed all fissure like symptoms) I can draw a picture as well possibly!
3. When I say successful I mean more so I wasn’t as tense or nervous. I get extremely nervous during sex, especially since I’m an amputee, which can sometimes cause my body to not want to cooperate. Of course it hurt still but the three successful times were actually successful. I believe I only orgasmed once out of all the times he was inside of me. I figured that I ended up getting my fissures (which are a few) due to me having sex and being on top. The last three successful times we succeeded I felt good, but my boyfriend said I looked uncomfortable and in pain. He also thinks it’s because I wasn’t wet enough down there. (We stopped using lube because I said it felt weird and it made my stuff down there feel weird. Or at least that lubrication did.)
4. Yes, I found out about them on the start of my period which was last week on a Wednesday. Our vacation ended that same week on a Friday. The last time we had sex and was successful was that same week on a Monday. The only indicator that I had that I may have known about it was when we had sex twice that Monday night and when he was going from behind I noticed some stinging discomfort but I didn’t think much of it. I didn’t notice a lot of discomfort until I started menstruating. That’s when I started to panic because I didn’t know what was going on.
5. I noticed them on the start of my period last week on Wednesday. Which I believe arrived from our last encounter of having sex twice that Monday night.
6. They’ve been there for about 7 days. I know since I was on my period that took away from my healing time because they were irritated. So far I’ve noticed some shrinkage of some of the fissures. They don’t really bleed. They have weakened maybe once or twice when they were super irritated (which was maybe once/twice) they do cause a stinging pain. But only when I pee. And when I pee it does feel like the feeling when you get something in a paper cut. But overall yesterday I notice good changes.
I’ll try to keep calm! My boyfriend said I should stay calm as well. So I’ll do my best. And answer anymore questions if need be.
Thank you so much!
Fissured
____
Dear Fissured,
I just had to check that they were indeed fissures caused by sex, and that seems to have been confirmed so thank you for your extra answers.
Now, to the healing. As the other articles say, there really isn’t heaps you can do besides keep away from it. Don’t irritate it, keep it slightly lubed with a tiny bit of cold-pressed vegetable oil of some kind (coconut or olive or whatever) after washing with just warm water once per day.
The oil is to keep it from catching on other skin as it heals, especially clitoral skin as it rubs on other skin, and it just makes it a tad more comfortable. No masturbating, no sex, no touching, no weird stuff, just keep your hands and whatever else out of it, keep it clean, and you’ll be just fine.
Minor cuts and tears can be encouraged to heal well with a moisturising vulva and vagina-friendly cuts cream.
Sex-caused fissures almost always heal in the vulvar area without scarring or ongoing problems, like your mouth when you bite your tongue or cheek.
The other important question is how to figure out sex so you are more comfortable, less anxious, and the horndog within can come out to play.
Use silicone lube
I can recommend some better lubes for you – silicone lube is so much better than water based, and you wouldn’t be complaining about it if that’s what you had tried! It just feels silky smooth and really pretty great compared to water-based lube, which can just go tacky and kinda like the glue preschoolers use to stick glitter to their paper hats.
Water-based lube is really not my favourite at all. Really good silicone-based lube can be more expensive, but get a good one and you’ll just never go back, I promise. They are safe to use with latex condoms.
Feeling sexual
As an amputee, you have a few more challenges in the sex arena for more reasons than one – there is the anxiety and hefty requirement we all have to feel sexy even in the face of the physical, mental or emotional scars we bear, along with the practical challenges in terms of positions.
Feeling sexy and sexual comes from feeling desired, and feeling desired generally comes by feeling liked, comfortable, cared for, and yes, physically attractive and attracted to our partner. That is a relationship thing, so you guys have to talk.
Talk about the awkward stuff and push through it – there is another side to awkward conversations, and it’s a sigh of relief and feeling closer to someone because you understand more about them. Couples who learn how to talk have better sex and better relationships.
You mention that you wear a prosthetic, which can be problematic when you are trying to ride your boyfriend like a pony with wild abandon. First, you mention your anxiety, but also you have angles and pressure to deal with. Choose positions for all of your activities that don’t cause any discomfort or awkwardness at all, especially for foreplay. Penetration comes with its own issues, since our insides (and men’s penises) are all shaped and angled a bit differently. It’s clumsy as hell.
The very first thing is to make sure you are really turned on before you do anything penetrative at all. This is so quickly overlooked (we’re all guilty!) because we are all so focused on p-in-v action, we forget to do the important thing: get really turned on however that is for us.
The idea that you said it was ‘successful’, but your boyfriend said you looked uncomfortable and in pain, is really telling. If you are having ‘successful’ sex, you and your boyfriend know about it, because it’s bleeding obvious. When you are really turned on (not just grinning and bearing it, not just ‘seems ok’), your body is responsive. Anxiety has no place in good sex, so work on that however you can.
My favourite no-effort confidence booster
There is a flower essence I absolutely love called Confidessence in the Australian Bush Flower Range. It is one of my favourite bottles of hocus pocus, and it is reasonably inexpensive – I have found it to work wonderfully for making loud the little voice in our heads that says, “I’m right, I’m worthy, I’m ok, I’m good, I’m cool, I’m pretty, I’m a master of my universe even when it’s not working out.”
This is good for sex because it can get you out of your head for a bit without letting the demons creep in that cause us to doubt ourselves, our attractiveness and our ability to participate fully in sex. If you have the time, there are a couple of other combination essences in the range that you might benefit from too, so check them out – Relationship Essence, Woman Essence, and Sexuality Essence.
Tooling up and expectations
So together with your boyfriend, read our sex basics, fingering, and cunnilingus article, and start working on how to get you really turned on so you never have to experience cuts like this again. They sound annoying and a bit sore, and there is just no need for them.
There are so many ways to have good sex, and what someone else likes isn’t necessarily going to fit you and your boyfriend, so you are really going to have to just go slow, practice your moves, and figure out how to get you panting, writhing, moaning, and forgetting your own name.
It can be really intense to have all the focus on you and whether you are having a good time, so mix it up and take it really easy. Preserve the feeling of comfort and enjoyment, and if you feel the anxiety or discomfort creep in, fix it.
You can start by laughing! You can change positions, you can ask for more non-penetrative activities, you can do some dick-sucking practice on your boyfriend, you can stop altogether. Interrupt the anxiety spiral. Sex is supposed to be fun, so if it isn’t, something needs to be adjusted and rearranged. You are the boss. Nothing bad will happen.
You sound like you are a bit anxious, which is understandable – sex is something we all have to learn how to ‘do right’ for ourselves and our partner of the day, and it can be really nervewracking – take a look at the Aunt Vadge questions other people have asked, and you’ll see a world of people, guys and girls, churning with anxieties. You are certainly not alone.
Anyway, you sound like you are figuring it out, which is really great to hear, but if you need anything else, please write anytime. We’d love to hear from you.
Warmest regards,
Aunt Vadge Â
