Hi there Aunt Vadge,

My boyfriend fingers me and it used to feel really good. I would get to a point where I would go crazy, and now the past two times it really hurts, and doesn’t feel good, and I don’t feel turned on at all. And he isn’t doing anything different. It burns after also.

Sincerely,
Burning

_____

Dear Burning,

Our moods, hormones and feelings change over the course of our days, and are tempered by our menstrual cycles and life goings-ons. This means that what felt good last week can feel boring, pointless, numb, or annoying this week. We just don’t feel the same all the time. This is a surprise for many of us, as we develop our sexual tastes, so what’s important to take from this is that your body sometimes wants more or different stimulation than other times. And sometimes you just have to understand that you are not in the mood and not to bother trying because you won’t get anywhere!

Sex sometimes doesn’t work. This is completely ok. While your boyfriend may feel the same amount of horny a lot of the time, there will still be times where his body just doesn’t feel like being touched – this happens to everyone, guys and girls. Because we have a monthly menstrual cycle, women tend to be affected by these shifting sands than men are. This can feel like women are ‘so mysterious’, when actually we just run a bit different to guys, for whatever collection of reasons at the time. For this reason, it pays to know where you’re at in your cycle, and can pinpoint dips and peaks in your hormones that could cause you to feel more or less interested in sexual activity.

Being fingered when you are not horny could easily result in you feeling pain or burning, since you are not turned on, and your vagina responds differently. Not sexually.

You aren’t supposed to feel the same all the time. Think about your cycle – you are going to be more horny while you are ovulating, and less horny immediately after your period (usually), since these are your hormonal peaks. Ovulation is in between your periods, and after your period is a low point for all hormones as your body gears up for a new ovulation.

You could also have been tired, thought your boyfriend was being a dick, had stress from school or work, or from home. Life is not simple, and our bodies respond to things we don’t even realise. Don’t worry necessarily what those things are, because you will find that your desires change all the time. Just relax, do something different, and wait until the feeling comes around again – it definitely will.

The best thing to do if you don’t feel like being sexual or the way you are being touched isn’t working very well, is just stop. Try again another time. You don’t have to do sexy stuff if you realise – unexpectedly – that it isn’t working the way you thought it should. This happens, a lot more than you think. It’s great to know when you actually don’t feel like it, and don’t want to, and to be able to say so. This is one of those times.

Welcome to your woman’s body! It has a mind of its own sometimes. You’ll get to know your own body over time, and be more able to predict – or coerce – it into doing your bidding, but mostly, you just need to learn how to listen to it. Don’t do things that don’t feel good just becuase you thought it was supposed to be good, since it was last time.

You’ll figure it out.

Write anytime!

Warmest regards,
Aunt Vadge

 

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