Dear Aunt Vadge, 

Last night my boyfriend fingered me on top of my clothing where my urethra is. It was painful, but I was enjoying it. This was the first time doing anything since being sexually assaulted last June (not my boyfriend). Yesterday was also the day I got off my period.

After he was done, I went to the bathroom and it stung to pee and I was bleeding. This morning, I went and checked and it is red and swollen and still hurts a lot and feels sore even just lying down or sitting or walking. But when I pee it stings. I don’t want to tell my parents or a doctor.

Do you think the pain and swelling will go away on its own within a couple days. Any suggestions? I’m 18 and a virgin. 

Sincerely,
Pained
Age: 18
Country: United States

_____

Dear Pained,

I’m sorry to hear you were sexually assaulted, and that your fingering has not gone very well! Sexual violence can really cause some ongoing damage to the way we see the world and how we view sex, relationships, and ourselves. Learning how to open up sexually after sexual violence can be hard, so there are a few ways to make it easier and more pleasurable.

The first thing you need to know is that sex, fingering, whatever, should never, ever hurt. If you are in pain, you are doing something wrong. When you rub your vagina through clothing, it can be quite rough due to the fabric being dry and hard, and actually cause some damage, as you have seen. My advice to you is never, ever (voluntarily) let something happen to your body during sexual antics that causes you pain – there are so many ways to feel good, and when you feel pain, it means you are doing something wrong and damaging your flesh. Just never do it.

Sit down with your boyfriend and read Sex 101, Fingering Basics for Men, and our guide to cunnilingus. Check out the diagrams in Vag Basics so you both understand your anatomy. I recommend reading through them together so you are both on the same page about what you should both expect. We are not taught how to understand and touch vaginas, and your boyfriend knows less than you, because he doesn’t have a vagina. It doesn’t matter how many he has touched before – he doesn’t know yours, so it’s important that you both sit down and learn together. It must feel good, or it’s not sex – it’s pain! Sex = fun. If it stops being fun, try a different way or stop for a bit.

Your urethra is not a sexual piece of anatomy – it is your pee-hole, and not to be fondled or stimulated. He was missing your clitoris, and you should have been able to tell him he was in the wrong place. Stimulating your urethra is not a thing, and he needs to be more careful when he touches you, with your guidance.

The pain and swelling will go down in a few days, and you will be just fine. Read our article on how to deal with fingering wounds – it will give you an outline of what to do and expect.

Write anytime.

Warmest regards,
Aunt Vadge

 

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