Hi there Aunt Vadge, 

I have premature ejaculation less than a second after oral sex. My wife has a big clitoris, and she only wants me to stimulate her with the tip of the penis. After the clitoris has swollen, she wants me to enter, but I am already ejaculating once I am in the vagina.

How do I navigate this?

Yours,
Keen Pleaser
Age 42, Kenya

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Dear Keen Pleaser,

Thanks for your email. While penises are not really our forte here at All Things Vagina, your problem is a common one, and we will try to help you as much as we can.

From my understanding, premature ejaculation is primarily a nervous system response, so if you are anxious or overly stimulated (either mentally, emotionally or physically), premature ejaculation can be the result. Premature ejaculation is definitely solvable with a bit of effort from you both as a couple, and it takes love, patience, and practice.

There are two elements to your question. The first is regarding your body’s response to sexual stimulation, and the second is your wife’s sexual stimulation. So let’s deal with them separately.

Dealing with premature ejaculation

Premature ejaculation, as I’m sure you are aware, can be caused by a handful of things: anxiety, depression, negative emotional states, some medication, certain sexual situations, and just general over-excitement at the sex. This stuff tends to cave in on itself, so what may have been a small, easily-fixed anxiety issue then snowballs into a full-blown sex problem. Your ability as a man to satisfy your wife is important, not just for you, or her, but for the health of your marriage. But, mostly, for you. You need to feel competent, capable, and strong in your life, and this sexual issue undermines that.

A satisfying sex life is a part of many solid marriages, so when that part is missing or things are not functioning properly, issues can arise. I heard once that if a couple’s sex life is problematic, it amounts to 80 per cent of the focus, but if a couple’s sex life is good, it is 20 per cent of the focus.

Most likely, you will need to address underlying anxiety and hypersensitivity of your nervous system. There are many ways to achieve this.

Here are some ideas:

  • Find guides to solving premature ejaculation online
  • See a sex therapist who can help you as a couple to navigate your sex life in a safe environment
  • Visit a urologist and make sure there aren’t any underlying physical causes
  • Visit an EFT/NLP therapist who can help retrain your brain. These therapists are great for this type of scenario, where your brain is triggering a response that is being unhelpful to your life.
  • To help calm your nervous system, you could see an acupuncturist, reflexologist or herbalist
  • To help solve the mental and emotional components, see a counsellor or psychologist – while it could be a big pile of nothing much that caused this, if there are emotional issues underlying it, you need to deal with them before this problem will resolve. Plus, it’s actually awesome to have a non-judgemental person to pour your heart out to.

There are lots of ways to address premature ejaculation, and you will need to find the handful that work for you. It is likely to take a little bit of time (don’t expect instant results), and be a bit of work, but persevere – it’s worth it. Look online and see what has worked for others. Get support in online forums and talk to other guys. You are certainly not alone in this, and getting rid of the shame and fear will be an important step forward.

Shame and fear are not aphrodisiacs. Being self aware and up for learning and change are.

Getting your wife off without your penis being involved

The resolution of this hurdle is going to have several elements to it. Importantly, communication with your wife needs to be solid. She must understand that she is part of the solution, and that means being kind, patient, and loving, and taking the time you both need to resolve the problem. In the meantime as a couple, you need to find different ways to get each other off and have satisfying sexual activities.

IMPORTANT: Take penetrative sex completely off the table – render it not an option for at least three months with your wife’s agreement, and you’ll be amazed at the different and ingenious (ha!) ways you can get each other off. Penetrative sex is not the only way to have good sex, and removing the source of the issue for a while – and the related anxiety and fear – and connecting in other ways can be both truly difficult and amazing. The solution lies in finding creative ways to get in behind the problem, and push it out of the way. This will be physical, emotional, mental and spiritual.

So. Invest in a couple of really good-quality sex toys, so instead of putting your penis into your wife’s vagina, you can insert a warm, lubed sex toy instead – she gets the feeling of your penis without your penis ejaculating on contact and blowing the whole thing to pieces. This means you are able to multi-task too – lick and suck her clitoris while you use the lubed sex toy to stimulate the entrance to her vagina just the way she likes. While most people like the feeling of a penis over a sex toy for obvious reasons (warmth, texture, skin feeling, flexibility), she’ll get used to it – it is better than either or both of you feeling the hollowness of disappointment and resentment. Learn together.

Investigate the range of sex toys available – there are just so many, and while honestly most of them are poor quality, feel absolutely terrible on your body, and are a waste of money, there are now some excellent designs made of high-grade silicone that are ergonomically shaped and do wonderful things to bodies. Go sex toy shopping with your wife and make it fun, finding something that appeals to her – colour, shape, function. Spend the money. Maybe it’s a fist-shaped dildo or a delicate lady-finger vibrator. Explore your sexuality without penetrative sex distracting you from the point – to have fun, connect, and get your rocks off.

Note: It can be threatening to a man with sexual dysfunction to buy his wife a vibrator or dildo to ‘take his place because he can’t fuck her properly’. Get over this right now, or your sex life may never recover. Do whatever it takes. Whatever it takes. And start today.

Look up tantric practices. Those who know about this sort of thing really get into the energetics of sexual connection with another human. This means exploring your energetic connection with your partner. Go and take a tantra course together, go to workshops, really connect as a couple in ways that aren’t just penetrative sexual intercourse – booooring!

Get good at getting your wife off in your mouth (if you are not already), use your fingers, toys, read books and guides, and learn about your wife and yourself as sexual beings, and get rid of the antiquated idea that penetrative sex is the only ‘good’ kind of sex. It’s absolutely bullshit. It might be biologically the ‘easiest’ and cheapest for many people, but if it doesn’t work for one or both partners, it’s not good! It isn’t working for you right now, so do something else. Don’t expect miracles, but do expect progress. There is more than one way to skin a cat, my friend, so go and figure it out.

Ask her to explore your body too – maybe you would like to investigate your butt, want to work on desensitising your penis by using layers upon layers of clothing or condoms, reading erotic stories to one another, and exploring fantasy, rather than physical touch. There is a lot of literature on the benefits of guys not watching porn, not ejaculating too often, and investigating the prostate. Look it up. It’s sexual wisdom.

You guys are married, presumably for life. This means solving this problem should be at the top of both of your to-do lists, since you are stuck with each other forever.

Go forth, good man, and have amazing non-penetrative sex!

Warmest regards,
Aunt Vadge

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