Aunt Vadge: is this what sex is supposed to feel like?

Hi Aunt Vadge, 

So I had sex for the first time, protected and all, and at first it was hard to get the penis in. I felt pressure and pain, like there was a wall and something was trying too hard to break it. I’m not sure if that’s normal, but it finally did get in and it was sort of pleasing, but at some point I felt like pressure again, like pressure against my colon or even ovaries?

We then did it again later, and it was more or less as hard to get it in as it was the first time, and this time the pressure against my organs was higher, and I started to feel like sore in the opening of my vagina so we stopped. 

We later found that I kind of tore, or that’s what I think it happened anyways. It’s like a little cut, not very deep, It doesn’t burn when I pee, but it does feel like raw skin, and burns a bit if I open my legs too much or when I sit, sort of like when you get a cut. Should I go to the doctor or just treat it like a normal cut, you know be clean and avoid rubbing it, etc? 

My other questions are:

1. What kind of pain or feeling is it supposed to be felt the first time? 
2. After how many times it’s supposed to stop being difficult to get it in?
3. Is it normal to feel pressure against your organs at first?
4. Is it normal to be torn?

Yours,
Confused
_____

Dear Confused,

Welcome to sex! What you feel sounds very normal. It is the strangest thing to have someone else’s body part in your body part, thrusting into you. This is by itself an unusual feeling, so you feeling the penis pushing against your organs and ovaries and insides is very normal. That’s actually exactly what is happening! It isn’t hurting them though, but it is completely fair enough to feel like your organs are being pushed on.

Your first lot of sexual encounters – until you get good at it – are usually not that great, because nobody knows what to expect, and you have to learn what feels good to you, and your partner. That is unique to you both, so it takes time to learn what it all feels like.

This means learning how your vagina works, and how to get it to open up a bit so the penis doesn’t hurt when it goes inside. This just means learning what turns you on – your vagina opens up and becomes lubricated when you are really horny, and makes the vagina very receptive to a penis. If your vagina isn’t feeling very receptive (tight, painful), then it’s time to stop having sex, and start doing more things to turn you on.

Read How to have sex 101 for more information – read it with your partner so you are both on the same page. Getting turned on before sex is critical to enjoying the feeling. Less sex, more fooling around!

You wouldn’t expect your boyfriend to be ready for sex if his penis wasn’t hard, and the same goes for you – you aren’t ready for sex until your vagina says you are, by being wet and full of blood and your clitoris erect. Yes, your clitoris gets erect! You’ll know when it happens.

Sex wounds

Sex wounds are very common, and your cut sounds pretty standard – you will be fine, and you are correct: keep it clean, avoid irritating it, and it will heal in a few days. In future, avoid cuts by using lube with condoms (condoms can really make a vagina raw and dry very quickly, and it can make a condom break from the friction), and stopping if it hurts.

If you cut yourself, it just means you have to wait until the cut is healed before having sex again. It’s better to stop and try something else than to cause damage to delicate skin.

Minor cuts and tears can be encouraged to heal well with a vulva and vagina-friendly cuts cream.

First-time sex

How sex feels for the first time is basically what you felt! That’s first-time sex in a nutshell. Weird, a bit sore, feel like your organs are being pushed on. Sometimes there is bleeding from damage or the hymen stretching.

When it stops hurting

The vagina needs to be turned on, and the minute you understand how to turn your body on and make your vagina wet and plump and juicy, ready for a penis, is the moment sex stops being painful (for most people). Read about cunnilingus and fingering, and spend time making out with your lover.

Pressure on your organs

You can always feel the pressure on your organs if you focus on it, but once your vagina is wet and juicy and horny, you won’t even be thinking about it! Promise. Sometimes it’s more than others, so for example just after your period when your cervix is low and hard, you may feel the penis bumping up against it which can be painful and uncomfortable, but when you ovulate (mid-cycle), the cervix is high and soft and open, and you can be in a greater variety of positions and the penis can go deeper.

If you have a full bladder or bowels (or an upset stomach with trapped gas), sex can also be more uncomfortable, since the penis sort of squishes those organs a little.

‘Normal’ tearing

It isn’t normal exactly, but it’s very common, and no harm will come to you. What your goal should be is to learn how to avoid getting torn by making sure your vagina is ready to receive a penis – hot, juicy, turned-on. You know the drill!

It would be rare to find a woman who has had tearless sex – the vulva and vagina are really quite delicate, and what’s funny is that things can feel really good, but you can then end up with a sore vagina. You just need to be the judge of what’s ok and what’s not.

It isn’t dangerous unless of course the tearing is significant, there is dangling flesh, or a lot of bleeding.

Write anytime!

Warmest regards,
Aunt Vadge