The ‘making it feel good’ part of sex takes practice, and to practice, you need a willing partner. This can be challenging for some of us, so the only option left to you is to get really good at masturbating and do lots of talking, reading, watching educational videos (porn is not a very good teacher and can ruin real-life sex by rearranging brain chemistry and expectations) and learning about sex in other ways.

Touching ourselves and being touched by others is the only way we learn about what we like and don’t like first-hand, and boys tend to get good at this much quicker than girls do. This is because boys start to become sexual creatures at puberty, whereas girls don’t often start getting really interested in the physical sensations of sex until later. This isn’t always true, though, so if you are have been at it since you were a kid, you are normal too! There aren’t really any hard and fast rules.

Gals take longer than guys – it just is. 

The female sexual response is very different to a guy’s, so taking the time to understand why and how it’s different is really important. Expecting a girl to respond to the same things guys like is just not going to happen, so instead of wondering why, skip the inconceivable and take the time to learn about each other’s sexual stimulation cues. Each of you has different sexual cues  – you like different stuff. It’s individual.

Young women tend to be far less knowledgeable about their own sexual preferences than young men – this leaves girls out in the cold, and very open to just saying yes to things they don’t actually want or know anything about.

Making someone else touch us to find out what we like seems cruel, so get wanking, try different things, and figure out how your body works so you can instruct someone else and be a better lover faster.

Communication is the key to good sex

It can feel really awkward to talk about sex while you’re doing it, or trying to do it, but there is only one way to have good sex and that is by communicating clearly about what you like and don’t like with your lover. You should do this both while you are being sexual, and also while you are being completely non-sexual. The topics will change. It’s easier to say “That thing was a bit weird, but I really liked this” in retrospect than in the middle of sex.

You don’t want to offend someone by saying you don’t like what they are doing, but you also don’t want them to keep doing something that feels bad, so you need to decide how you are going to approach that. The best way that we know of is to be honest, but kind, and offer an alternative even if you don’t know if it will work. Treat it like a science experiment so neither of you has to feel anxious or awkward.

Acting like you are both learner drivers means you free yourself from pressure. It’s like learning how to do anything – good sex takes time and practice.

Being a good lover

If you want to be a good lover, you need to learn how to speak up and tell your lover what you want, and ask what they like. Not just once, but all the time. Eventually you’ll just know by how they respond to your touch in the slightest of ways, and they will learn to not feel embarrassed to ask or speak up.

When you are first starting out, you have got no business just doing something to a body without checking in with the other person to see if it feels good, weird, uncomfortable, or just ok. Always check. You’d be surprised how often they don’t like it, but haven’t said anything until you asked.

Everyone is awkward at first

Don’t be afraid to say you don’t know – nobody knows at first! Sex is funny, weird, awkward and clumsy. Welcome to your first sexual experiences with another human. It’s like that for everyone, because there isn’t a single person on earth who is born knowing how to be a good lover, how to have sex or how to communicate with a lover. Practice. Feel the awkwardness and work through it, because it won’t kill you, it will only make you a better lover. Be brave!

 

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