The story about how I bought vaginal tightening gel because my boyfriend had a small penis

I’ll be the first to say, I don’t think I have a small vagina. It’s not giant, I wouldn’t think, but I don’t have a lot to go by. I like penises.

According to my yoni massage therapist, there are three sizes of vagina, and I don’t recall exactly, but I think there was some sort of animal sizes. Mine was a mare. There was one above and one below. That means I have a medium-sized vagina, I suppose.

I had this boyfriend once with a very small-sized penis, and it just didn’t fit in my body. I couldn’t come properly, and sex – when I was really turned on – ended up really sloppy and loose, and probably not that satisfying for him either.

This led me to make the the decision to secretly buy some vaginal tightening gel off the internet, and use it before sex to see if it could tighten things up a bit.

To cut this long boring story short, it didn’t work.

The fundamental problem remained: my vagina was too big for the penis I was trying to have sex with, and no amount of tightening gel or Kegels was going to solve that.

(Well, maybe Kegels, but I’m lazy and Kegels make me feel weird. I was 28 at the time, and felt no need for Kegels. Take me as I am.)

I suppose it’s really the kind of thing that doesn’t get talked about much, this mismatched genitals thing. It is a true fact that we all have different sized bodies and genitals, and trying to have sex with someone who is physically not matched to you is a recipe for a dissatisfying sex life.

There is stuff like the really tall and really short people in a couple – how do you kiss while you have sex? Nobody knows except it does seem to work. My friend says ‘someone has to be bendy’.

You only get one comfortable thing at a time – p-in-v action or kissing – which is really sad, because one of the joys of sex is being able to kiss or ear-lick or give someone a hickie while they plunge their penis into your vagina until you come. Sixty-niners are tricky (not that anyone really likes 69ers that much anyway, but still – options are options and each to their own. A bendy 69er sounds weird.).

There is something magical and comforting about physically matching your lover; you fit them and they fit you, and everything is just satisfying and you don’t have to think about it. It just works. This means that mismatched couples have a harder time finding that sweet spot, though obviously it is not impossible, and for most couples, you just figure it out. It’s not brain surgery. There are a million and one ways to enjoy another person’s body, and  there is an argument to be made for being more broad in our sexual contacts.

But, I also just like ordinary run-of-the-mill missionary banging with a good pash.

I digress. Back to me, my boyfriend, and my big vagina. I was going to marry this guy (was I? was I really? probably not), and I had resigned myself – a lifelong lover of big penises – to always having to find new and creative ways to get off. I would do it because I loved him, but I guess not that deep far down, I knew that after about a year he would cheat on me, and we’d break up. He’s just that kind of guy, who wants to eat all the cupcakes.

When he dumped me in mysterious, neglectful circumstances, I was sad, but liberated – I’d never been dumped before. (It’s strangely satisfying to be able to be fully mad and sad, instead of guilty because you are hurting someone else’s feelings.)

I found out a few months later that he actually had a whole, real, flesh-and-blood ‘other’ girlfriend – a girlfriend who was into MMA and exercise too. But this isn’t a sad story.

I found out from this girlfriend, after she had become another of his exes just like me, and it turned out we had mutual friends, that they had really great sex. Obviously we talked about it. A real, hot, bangin’ sex life.

This was a major surprise.

Moral of the story? There is a vagina and a penis for everyone.

I guess she has a small vagina and does her Kegels.